The Flog – The Fabry Log

I felt a little lighter yesterday because after a long search we had finally found a house that passed all the tests we could throw at one. Andrea went to the realty firm and filled out the application and paid the fee. After the radio program we were driving to a doctor's appointment when the realtor called. He's a nice young man who drove a lot of miles to show us a couple of houses. He said the owner had decided not to rent to us.

Andrea wept. We had planned the next 6 months in this new, remote community and thought it would work. The kids began asking questions about "Why?" We didn't have answers. Still don't.

This is another setback in a long line of bad phone calls. It feels like a cruel joke at times, and at others just bad luck. But I don't believe in luck. And I don't believe this type of thing happens in life for no reason. There is a purpose in the seemingly endless dot-to-dot scratching and clawing that is our lives.

It reminds me of our first trip to Chicago in 1983. Andrea and I had been married 6 months and we'd packed everything we owned into the back of a 1978 Toyotoa Corolla Hatchback (whose engine, I am convinced, is still running in some junkyard). I had secured a small apartment, subletting it from a young woman who lived in the city. We were to meet her at Hemingway's Restaurant, which I don't think is up on the North Side any longer, to pick up the keys. We didn't have mattresses. We were going to sleep on the floor.

However, at Hemingway's she handed our deposit to me in cash in a crumpled white envelope and said she had changed her mind. Andrea wept that night, too. We'd never been to Chicago together and had no idea what to do. We spent that first night, a long one, in a hotel on the South Side. The next day we spent looking for an apartment, believing God really wanted us to study at Moody. It seemed right, but everything was going wrong.

The next night we slept on the floor of some strangers who became good friends, Greg and Lisa Hatteberg. Greg was in the admissions department at Moody and had heard of our plight. The next day we heard the news that someone had departed from the married student's dorm and that night we slept in a fully furnished apartment on campus. It was like a death and a burial and a resurrection. Two nights of darkness and then a lot of light.

For us, the rest was history. Andrea and I both took classes, thought we would be in some kind of "missions," but God had other plans.

Fast forward to 2009 and here we are again, living in a hotel, still believing that there is a purpose in all of this wandering, and instead of packing all of our belongings in a car, we're packing our children. I'm looking forward to the sunrise after these long nights.

This experience feels like a movie. From the depths of despair in putting down our dogs to swimming in the pool last night while snow fell on the mountain behind us. We were in a hotel in Sierra Vista Saturday night, Andrea wasn't feeling well, and I was trying to cheer her up as we were about to fall asleep.

"Who do you want to play you in the movie?" I said.

She turned over and her face was drawn and quartered. She's been living in Arizona since before Christmas, giving the kids their meds, trying to get them healthy again, and seeing some progress. Now, with all the moving around and living out of Target bags, they can't do the same routine.

"I don't think I'll make it," she said. Meaning, she won't survive long enough for the movie to be made, so she doesn't care who plays her. It showed me the despair she's under.

I'm holding out for Brad Pitt, by the way. When I was a kid, some of my classmates thought I looked like Donny Osmond. A really plump Donny Osmond. I could have been the 12th Osmond, Orson. Or maybe the movie won't be made for years and someone who isn't even known yet will play my part. Maybe my son will be old enough to play me then.

Sometimes it's helpful to think of your life as a movie because you can hear the soundtrack playing in the background and know the dialog is not pointless. There's an end to the story you can count on because the writer and director and producer are working together to bring this seemingly pointless, endless story to fruition. That's what I believe in my heart, even if my head is shaking as we roll down what seems like another dead end road of this film.

Andrea woke up Sunday morning and looked at me. She said two words. Julia Roberts.

I nodded. "Yeah, I can see that."

"And you'd be played by Tom Hanks."

Yes. Orson Donny Brad Hanks. I like it.

This is a difficult but beautiful blog to write. The traveling road show that is the Fabrys life continues in Oro Valley, Arizona. We spent the last 3 nights in Sierra Vista. Friday was Kaitlyn's 11th birthday and we tried to make it special. We've been calling realtors and talking with people to try and find a "replacement" place to stay, but tonight we will sleep in another hotel room.In the midst of all this change and moving around, I was tagged by my 18 year old son on Facebook.

I want you to read what he had to say, if you have time. Ryan is in Colorado finishing out his senior year of high school and getting ready to go to school in New York. He may need to join us here for treatment soon, but we'll see. Here's what he said on his Facebook page:

I'm not the kind of guy to comlain...most of the time. I'm also the kind of guy that doesn't care what people think...Most of the time. This note is just because these feelings have been bulding up inside me for the past month.I spent my seventh consecutive night in a dear, dear friend's house last night. Seven nights without a family member being seven steps away has been tough for me. Before this week, i was staying in an amazing, beautiful rental home. This was made possible by the same friends i am staying with now.

It had been a couple of weeks that it was only my father and I. At least that's how long it felt. It didn't feel long because of my dad, but because we are so used to our enormous, loving family being around. I felt horrible every time i walked out that door and left him alone. We had gotten to watch a lot of movies together, which is one of our favorite things to do. We watched Sling Blade, a little bit of raging bull, Michael Clayton, In Bruges, and Iron Man. It was a good week and a half. Yes that's how long it was.

Then we moved all of the furmiture donated to us into my friend's family's new house. They are a missionary family. This furniture was PERFECT for their new home. We were nothing but happy to help.

I said goodbye to my father one week ago yesterday. I've talked with him once since he left. That time when i talked with him he asked what i was doing the next day. I told him. He said, "Well have, man!" Now understand that my dad says "man" to his friends. He says, "Talk to you later, man. Thanks man, I'll see ya!" He only says that to his friends that are his age. I wil say it right now. As stupid and cliche as some may think it is, something happened at that very moment.

The brightest glow covered my face. Satisfaction was mine. I became a man. Well, i miss my family. I just wrote a paper about how inportant family is. I miss Megan's sophistication and insight. I miss Kristen's smile and maturity. I miss Reagan's giggle, his admiration, and his wonderful sense of humor. I miss Kaitlyn's scream haha no i miss her grace and charm. I miss Colin's dedication and the way he chews (i don't know he just chews funny). I miss brandon's laughter. If i even begin to list what i miss about my mother i will not only keep crying, but start doing it uncontrollably. I miss my father's incredible wisdom. I miss my parent's strength and guidance.

Don't take your family for granted. Please, please don't. They're all you need.Thanks for reading.

I received an email yesterday from a listener going through some financial turmoil. He identifies with our situation and said, "I'm tired of the cliche's Christians give." What he wanted to know was, does God really care when we are in desperate situations?

I could judge that by my circumstances right now, and if I did, I would conclude he doesn't. I walked outside last night and looked up at the expanse of the Arizona sky. I'm just a speck in the universe. How could God care? If he did care, why did he let this happen? Why would he let the kids progress in their treatment and then hit a toxic wall with the house we moved into? Why am I alone again, apart from the people I moved down here to help and nurture? How could so many things be going wrong?

And yet, I received a score of emails yesterday from people telling me they were praying for a breakthrough for us. A missionary and his wife said they had set aside the whole day to pray for us. Andrea and the kids went to a church the Sunday before I arrived and she filled out the little card for newcomers. A pastor called her yesterday, at one of her low points, prayed with her, and told her, "This is why we're here, to help."

So I could focus on all the junk that's happened, all the shattered dreams of how things might have been, or I can focus on the way I've seen God work in the people around us, some we don't even know, and what he's doing in us each day to bring us to a point of wild dependence on him. I wish I didn't have to go through this, and I wish I didn't have to watch my wife and children go through this, but I'm glad we don't have to go through it alone.

If any of what you're about to read comes off as whining, forgive me. I do not mean to whine. This has just become such an unmitigated personal disaster that I can't believe what I'm about to write.

I drove all night Friday, reached Tucson Saturday, made it to the home we're renting for at least two months, unloaded everything and reconnected with my family. I thought everything was going to get back to a semi-normal routine with me beginning my treatment and watching the kids start theirs. However, the reunion was short-lived. Saturday night Andrea and the kids began to have rashes pop up on their skin. Andrea's hands cracked and Brandon had four nosebleeds in one night. I used to think nosebleeds were no big thing. Now I know you don't just get a nosebleed for no reason.

The kids also had respiratory problems. This, after we had had the house we're moving in tested for the presence of mold. It didn't make sense. Sunday night Andrea and the girls slept outside on the back patio with electric blankets. The temperature was in the 40s or 50s, and they said it was better, but they still were having problems. Then we learnd yesterday that the exterminator sprayed for termites recently. That made sense.

Because of the toxic exposure we have had, the toxicologist told us the children would develop multiple chemical sensitivity. We thought he might be wrong since the kids didn't show any signs of that early on. However, looking back, we can see how right he was. Their immune systems have been shot. Anything out of the ordinary makes them respond. Poison for termites threw them for a loop.

The good news is, after getting out of this environment and sleeping in a hotel one night, Andrea and the kids feel a lot better. However, we're stuck. All our stuff is in a house we can't live in. My studio is in a house I can't stay in. The owners brought none of this on themselves, they thought they were doing a good thing in spraying for bugs. It's just a mess.

And to top it off, I can't get my email to send the messages I've written! Well, that seems like a small thing now. If I haven't emailed you it's not because I don't like you. :)

I'm not giving up. We've come too far to turn back. We're just realizing this is what our life is going to be like for a long time.

Thanks for your prayers for us.
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Or is it cacti?

I made it. Thanks for praying, for those of you who did. I began at 7 PM Friday night and pulled into Tucson at 11 AM Saturday morning. I had one "rest stop" and I'm not sure how long I slept, but the radio was good company and that rumbling truck was my companion.

It appears the home we have rented is causing some problems for the kids and Andrea. They have had some rashes, nosebleeds, and unexplainable reactions. It was so bad that Andrea, Kristen, Kaitlyn, and Megan slept outside on the patio last night and it was really cold. We wanted to give it more than one day, but the whole purpose for coming here was to get the kids better and if they are in an environment that is hurting them, we'll have to move.

I really like the office in this house. The ISDN connection is in and we're ready to go. The room is a little "live," with hardwood floors and bare walls, but I can fix that pretty quickly. However, if we move, I'll need to figure something else out and fast.

I could write a lot more, but I'll stop. Just got the Internet working Sunday night. Still praying for a safe environment for the kids.

Thanks for your prayers. We really appreciate those of you who are thinking of us.
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